Revelation, Part II

Today has been lonely up to recently; however, an insightful conversation with Gracie has had a remarkable impact. Despite my hypocrisies, neuroticism, and other personal demons...she and others...are right--I really do care. I've always thought that there was perhaps the slightest chance that the reason I cared about anyone was not for their sake, but instead for mine. I had, even up until recently, considered myself to be a selfish hypocrite...someone who would defend those who could not defend themselves, yet at first convenience, would be the first to exploit those same people. Someone who should care, but when it came to matter, couldn't...or wouldn't...

We are our own strictest critics, no doubt. But...must I be so self-defeating? I think the short answer is a resounding "no". I can, and in a way, already have learned to use my strengths to a greater extent. Though I still have many demons, some of them contrary to my personal goals, I will, in time, defeat them as I pursue perfecting myself and becoming what others, and especially other men, should be: Kind, caring, and empathetic, void of egocentrism, and above all else, human.

Perhaps I can ease the pressure---I know I'm on the right track. Let those closest to me ease some of this pressure, and surely all will benefit.

These are my thoughts at this time.

Tranquility

For the better part of a week, little has occurred. My previous battles have been driven inward, where they may do less harm. The storm appears to have ceased as well--but I know this is not true. 'Tis only the eye of a very large storm. This is a severe depression, one that I have fought off for a short while, and yet I know the cause of this is not yet gone. In terms of stressors and coping, I have been resolved of stress--I still am unable to cope with failure. One such example would be when I recently failed to fight temptation of a past sin--one that is far too personal and far too strong to name here. But still, as God has forgiven as well as my closest friend, I must learn to move on. Forgiveness will come after I am healed--but I have to heal, and I will.

On another note, I had an intriguing dream last night, perhaps one that even highlights my distrust of family even now as we progress through our therapy I prescribed. In this dream of mine, I dreamt that my father had found my Bible--and was furious. It seems far-fetched, but it still yet highlights my fear of being found out by my family--I have never seen them as a tolerant group, but the truth will come out as it will. My mother was skeptical, yet accepting. My father probably could not be brought to care. My sister...would probably be shocked. As for her acceptance, it's impossible to tell at this point--she's the kind of person who will still refuse to even enter a church.

This week has been fairly idle. I've never been one much attuned to such idle hours--and so many.

These are my thoughts at this time.

Raging Storm

This storm has been raging for some time. 'Tis a matter I cannot explain openly, for I cannot put such a matter into words. But this storm grows me weary with each passing day. I am in the thick of it now; its clouds are dark, its thunder fierce. It leaves me feeling all but alone as its deluge overwhelms me. This storm in my mind...drowns me slowly. I know I must speak about this storm, but with its ghostly veil so hazy, 'tis difficult to see my own nose before me! But still, speak I must, even if I cannot know what lies directly ahead. I feel I am a lost cause--beyond a point of no return. This storm, this disease of my mind...perhaps I can only save myself one way. Perhaps a friend's soothing words are not enough. Perhaps my only chance to be saved is the one I may ne'er get the chance to have. Perhaps I must see...a professional.

These are my thoughts at this time.

Mixed Feelings

I feel lost right now. I hear that it appears that I am far to close to a good friend than I ought to appear. Perhaps I am even too close to this friend than I ought to be. My thoughts are nothing but mixed feelings, telling me to do so many different yet contrasting things while I firmly believe that none of these options would end in anything but disaster. I could shut off and shut out all of my friends in this circle--'twould remove all sources of conflict, but yet, it would be the worst option for me and my friends, I think. Though, in all honesty, it has its logically unsound appeal. It's what I did 3 years ago...though it almost cost me everything. I shut everyone out; I did not discern friend from foe. I could also go ahead as I do now, at the cost of remaining far too clingy, and far too involved. I may have to draw a middle ground, but...it's as if all I wanted to happen was to shut everything out--to be alone, as I sometimes deserve. Perhaps it's just coincidence, but on a "What God wants you to know" on facebook...it told me that "having nothing" is an advantage, sometimes. It means that everything is a gift. I wonder if this has significance. In the meantime, I shall only discuss it with those impacted. If it is warranted, I am prepared to leave everything for their own good. If I am meant to stay, I will stay. I only pray for a happy ending on their part; I pray for my own good, though it is with the understanding that I may well have to take the back seat, if I am to have a seat at all.

These are my thoughts at this time.

A New Day

This Sunday morning, I went to church with two of my best friends; I thank them for welcoming me so warmly. Now the service is over, and I am at home. 'Tis lonely for now, so I write in this blog, this diary of mine. I await the arrival of the school week--there is much conversation there. I pray I bring good news next week, this last somber week has taken its toll, but there is hope. Still, these lonely times bring much thought, thought that I could put to good use. I could use some time to think about a rave that I attended last night. Initially, I was terrified at the sight as this rave began. Shortly after, I found myself gasping in nothing short of fear dread. What was this fear? Was it horror over past sins? Perhaps it was something like that, possibly deeper, but similar.

My problems still run deep, I know. But they improve steadily. Perhaps this is a day that could lead to better things. I'm hopeful about what happens. For now, though, I will just look forward to this next week. May it bring happier thoughts.

These are my thoughts at this time.

Making Progress

This week is finally coming to a close. 'Tis a relief, that this week is ending, for it has been one filled with mixed emotions. Tears have been shed, yet joys have been shared. Sorrows have bore all for all to see. Yet despite the triumphs, the failures, and the connections that have grown, something is still amiss. I feel this storm is not yet past. The rising waters have washed away what was the thin skin protecting me from what would do me harm. I can feel that the cold is already washing over me. I have experienced this storm before. I know where it led. This cold is powerful...'tis magnificent. But I fear its power. I experienced this power...3 years ago. Should this storm snare me, I fear its power should shear me sharply. Such a Depression would only spell disaster. I could only fear that any call for aid would be in vain. I would do anything to stay afloat, but as this storm once nearly drowned me, I could only but grasp for dear life. The storm nears, and so I brace for its brutal strike.

These are my thoughts at this time.

I share nothing but sorrow for this ill news I bring. If only but once I could spare good fortune. 'Tis not in the fates, so it seems.

A Revelation

Over the previous week, I have confided in a close friend about many an issue, but last night, it occurred to me; there was something I had neglected to mention--not because it was too personal, too problematic, too shameful, but a lapse in memory steered me away from such a topic. I still am unsure as to when I may talk about this, but I know a thing. It must be relevant, for I care not in bringing up yet another story out of thin air; time is of the essence, yet must not be cast in haste, for consolation and such dreary topics I feel have been too many as of late. This may also grant me the time to gather my thoughts, my feelings, and express them as coherently as I can. Though I can assure, 'tis not a revelation so profound as to bring a man to his knees, 'tis a revelation of events past that, though they shall stir a great discomfort, shall explain a fear and ill of mine that sooner or later, must be addressed.

All this from a nightmare. A horrible dream and the sorrow that followed, yet came to pass. Yet this sorrow...will return. A sorrow that has disturbed me for the better part of seven years. A sorrow, that as regretfully as I shall be able to explain, still may trouble me now.

These are my thoughts at this time.

Love Sucks

If you do not like reading a very primitive form of embellished language, feel free to skip to the second section.


It seems to grow harder and harder with each passing day to keep my emotions in check. I have been disturbed by a permeating uneasiness...What is this feeling? Is it love? I think so. The question is...who is it that I love? 'Tis a very real possibilty that the one who I think I love is not indeed the one I actually love, but the one that is the more acceptable one. 'Tis also a very real possibility that she is indeed the one I actually love, but I cannot penetrate even the most outermost of my thoughts to reach what really exists within. What if...I were to be hopelessly infatuated by the one for whom I cannot possibly afford to feel such feelings? How would I handle that? The thought of communication frightens me. I dare not risk endangering a friendship. Yet something powerful moves me. This infatuation...it is peaceful, yet it tortures. It is beautiful, yet it cripples me like the foulest of things, and it is so desired, yet it is forbidden. These are the thoughts at this time.


In plainer English, it is a very real possibility that I could be falling for someone whom I cannot dare pursue, rather than the one to whom I initially believed I thought I was attracted. I have been here before, caught with someone with whom I could not express my affections.; the wounds of that time are still very real to me. Being in such a position is humiliating. It is torture. It leaves me feeling empty, hopeless...alone. If I were to share this information personally, I could only break. I would shed more than my share of tears. This feeling of mine...not only cannot I express it, but I feel inclined to shut it out and deny it. It makes me feel guilty. To me, the one who shall always finish last, it is a grave sin, not because of religious significance, but because I have committed the gravest non-religious sin of all: To want, especially if what I covet is something already had by another. For it, I endure this pain.

These are my thoughts at this time.

I pray that this pain ends soon, however the means.

Trouble on the Horizon

Benny and Hannah, if you're out there or able to read this, I just wanted you to know...I care about you both. I want you to be happy to the fullest extent. I care for you two, and simply put, I wish you the best in whatever may or may not be going on. Benny's quietness worried me, and when he told me he was talking to you and that something was up (I never let him specify), Hannah, it just made me worry.

My prayers are with you two. I want you two to be well.

'Tis a shame that I must be posting in a mood like this, especially my first real entry. To be honest, I am feeling rather hopeless. I have tried for the last few months to pick up the pieces and to move forward, but it seems that I cannot go a week without hearing some sort of criticism. I cannot go a week without hearing that I'm "a pig" or a chronic underachiever, or such things. I feel lost, in a way. But I know I need to stop throwing a pity party and just move on. But I want the criticism to stop. It's distracting. Quite frankly, this is why I like to have teachers that simply don't care if I pass or fail. They're not constantly on my back. I think I've pretty much written off this term--it won't end in anything but disaster...and I need to acknowledge that now, but it doesn't make it any easier.

New Blog

Welcome to my new blog. I'm hoping to have a bit more organization to my blog that I was initially making on Facebook. I will still use my notes as a blog, but only for specific things. In the meantime, I hope you visit often, as I will try and update this blog very often.