Making Progress

This week is finally coming to a close. 'Tis a relief, that this week is ending, for it has been one filled with mixed emotions. Tears have been shed, yet joys have been shared. Sorrows have bore all for all to see. Yet despite the triumphs, the failures, and the connections that have grown, something is still amiss. I feel this storm is not yet past. The rising waters have washed away what was the thin skin protecting me from what would do me harm. I can feel that the cold is already washing over me. I have experienced this storm before. I know where it led. This cold is powerful...'tis magnificent. But I fear its power. I experienced this power...3 years ago. Should this storm snare me, I fear its power should shear me sharply. Such a Depression would only spell disaster. I could only fear that any call for aid would be in vain. I would do anything to stay afloat, but as this storm once nearly drowned me, I could only but grasp for dear life. The storm nears, and so I brace for its brutal strike.

These are my thoughts at this time.

I share nothing but sorrow for this ill news I bring. If only but once I could spare good fortune. 'Tis not in the fates, so it seems.

A Revelation

Over the previous week, I have confided in a close friend about many an issue, but last night, it occurred to me; there was something I had neglected to mention--not because it was too personal, too problematic, too shameful, but a lapse in memory steered me away from such a topic. I still am unsure as to when I may talk about this, but I know a thing. It must be relevant, for I care not in bringing up yet another story out of thin air; time is of the essence, yet must not be cast in haste, for consolation and such dreary topics I feel have been too many as of late. This may also grant me the time to gather my thoughts, my feelings, and express them as coherently as I can. Though I can assure, 'tis not a revelation so profound as to bring a man to his knees, 'tis a revelation of events past that, though they shall stir a great discomfort, shall explain a fear and ill of mine that sooner or later, must be addressed.

All this from a nightmare. A horrible dream and the sorrow that followed, yet came to pass. Yet this sorrow...will return. A sorrow that has disturbed me for the better part of seven years. A sorrow, that as regretfully as I shall be able to explain, still may trouble me now.

These are my thoughts at this time.

Love Sucks

If you do not like reading a very primitive form of embellished language, feel free to skip to the second section.


It seems to grow harder and harder with each passing day to keep my emotions in check. I have been disturbed by a permeating uneasiness...What is this feeling? Is it love? I think so. The question is...who is it that I love? 'Tis a very real possibilty that the one who I think I love is not indeed the one I actually love, but the one that is the more acceptable one. 'Tis also a very real possibility that she is indeed the one I actually love, but I cannot penetrate even the most outermost of my thoughts to reach what really exists within. What if...I were to be hopelessly infatuated by the one for whom I cannot possibly afford to feel such feelings? How would I handle that? The thought of communication frightens me. I dare not risk endangering a friendship. Yet something powerful moves me. This infatuation...it is peaceful, yet it tortures. It is beautiful, yet it cripples me like the foulest of things, and it is so desired, yet it is forbidden. These are the thoughts at this time.


In plainer English, it is a very real possibility that I could be falling for someone whom I cannot dare pursue, rather than the one to whom I initially believed I thought I was attracted. I have been here before, caught with someone with whom I could not express my affections.; the wounds of that time are still very real to me. Being in such a position is humiliating. It is torture. It leaves me feeling empty, hopeless...alone. If I were to share this information personally, I could only break. I would shed more than my share of tears. This feeling of mine...not only cannot I express it, but I feel inclined to shut it out and deny it. It makes me feel guilty. To me, the one who shall always finish last, it is a grave sin, not because of religious significance, but because I have committed the gravest non-religious sin of all: To want, especially if what I covet is something already had by another. For it, I endure this pain.

These are my thoughts at this time.

I pray that this pain ends soon, however the means.

Trouble on the Horizon

Benny and Hannah, if you're out there or able to read this, I just wanted you to know...I care about you both. I want you to be happy to the fullest extent. I care for you two, and simply put, I wish you the best in whatever may or may not be going on. Benny's quietness worried me, and when he told me he was talking to you and that something was up (I never let him specify), Hannah, it just made me worry.

My prayers are with you two. I want you two to be well.

'Tis a shame that I must be posting in a mood like this, especially my first real entry. To be honest, I am feeling rather hopeless. I have tried for the last few months to pick up the pieces and to move forward, but it seems that I cannot go a week without hearing some sort of criticism. I cannot go a week without hearing that I'm "a pig" or a chronic underachiever, or such things. I feel lost, in a way. But I know I need to stop throwing a pity party and just move on. But I want the criticism to stop. It's distracting. Quite frankly, this is why I like to have teachers that simply don't care if I pass or fail. They're not constantly on my back. I think I've pretty much written off this term--it won't end in anything but disaster...and I need to acknowledge that now, but it doesn't make it any easier.

New Blog

Welcome to my new blog. I'm hoping to have a bit more organization to my blog that I was initially making on Facebook. I will still use my notes as a blog, but only for specific things. In the meantime, I hope you visit often, as I will try and update this blog very often.